To believe in an invisible order, a divine or implicate order, as quantum physics calls it, or the order beneath the disorder that chaos theory describes, is a healthier, more interesting choice than seeing no meaning in life whatsoever.
~ Carolyn Myss, Sacred Contracts
I love Vermont. I miss it too (yes, it’s just across the river, I know). Someone I knew a couple lifetimes ago snapped this picture and I found it while I was rummaging around in her FB photos. I left a “HI” message and she “friended” me. She said she was ‘honored’ when I asked to use her photo. I wish I could make it bigger for my blog but, well, you get the picture ;-P
I don’t have much to say; it’s going to be a busy day for me. I have the volunteer kitchen work today (and soon) and my son should be sending information to me so I can do his taxes but I am also going to ~intend~ to get some cutting done for my sewing class otherwise…
from yesterday’s long-ass hike.
I don’t know if I am “doing this right” (am I suppose to use ”fridge”?)
When I went to bed last night my intentions were to include taking a walk (sunny skies!), possibly a real hike as in the Whites but I wasn’t sure I was ready for that yet, doing my taxes and following up with my employee records from a previous employer (more on that later).
I had weird dreams that I don’t even want to relay here, I don’t usually even remember my dreams so when I do it’s a little confusing. But I woke to sunshine and remained under the covers for a while thinking about my day ahead, thinking about reading some of my library book before I popped up, wondering what the temperature was (17*) and how warm was predicted (32*) and remembered that I wasn’t going to probably go out until after 10:50 because I watch the little bundle of smoosh when my daughter goes to get my grandson so that left me with the option of heating water for Folger’s coffee in a (tea) bag and my library book until I was ready to go; which I did. The mornings don’t go that smoothly, for instance I didn’t really get much of my book read because I was talking off-n-on with my daughter, checking on the smoosh, and general futzing around.
By 11:33 a.m. I was on the trail and, per my usual, I don’t have a plan I just go. This time I decided after looking at the map at the trail-head that, since it’s a nice day and relatively early, I’d do the loop that I’ve never done. Yes, it would be a longer hike than my usual but I had nothing better to do except those taxes and things that I don’t want to do so off I went and thankfully I remember to start my MapMyHike to record time, distance, etc.
The trails were great, it was still cold enough so my micro-spikes work well on packed and icy trails easily and yet not so warm that the snow starts getting mushy and clinging to my boots, spikes, etc and making it like I’m walking on tennis balls. I have to bang the snow off on the trail or a tree stump. It’s annoying. Anyway…I’m moving along talking to the universe having a nice monologue, enjoying the scenery, the sunshine on the snow and overall feeling pretty sweet about being outside in the cold that so many people just hate. I’m thinking, ugh, summer will be here soon and I’m enjoying this while I can.
After, oh, I don’t know, 3 miles or so (I didn’t even think to check my hike for the distance, now I am remembering) – probably farther, I am POOPED. I mean, I am starting to wonder if I’ve attempted more than I can do and my imagination is calling my daughter for a rescue…”hi, yeah, I’m somewhere near the orchard…can you come get me if I can get there??” But I know I can do it, hell, I was on the AT not that long ago and I know I will power through it even if I’m a blubbering idiot at the end. So I keep trudging along. I had totally forgotten my granola bar and I had no water (I wasn’t hungry or thirsty anyway but it would have helped with energy) and I had worked up a sweat that, when I temporarily stopped, made me cold.
I finally come to the red-blazed trail – by pure ‘instinct’ I took an unmarked path knowing I was going in the right direction but not sure where I’d connect to the trail with blazes. I was so relieved to see those blazes. Now I knew where I was an it was probably about 2 miles from my car and an easier trail than the one I just I just ‘made’ with my boots crunching & sinking into snow so every step was a march step; high stepping is very tiring. Finally reached the parking lot and turned off the MMH app. and this is what I’d done.
I couldn’t wait to take a nice, long, hot shower and I knew I had a cold beer on the porch after I cleaned up. I am beat so I just wanted to post something today, do a little more reading and think about my intentions for tomorrow. Tomorrow’s temps are to be closer to 50 degrees. Yuck.
BTW: I’m down a solid five+ pounds minus that daily give/take on the scale, USPS emailed and offered me an every Sunday package delivery job, my previous place of employment Occ. Health called while I was in the shower to say they will get my records tomorrow and call as to how to get them to me, tomorrow I will drive up to my PCP and sign off for all my medical records (I don’t know how the new insurance will work out so I may as well use the nice sunny, warm day for a drive) and I am thinking of using this time before I return to work to visit my brother in the Philippines. Not sure about that yet but I am leaning into it.
~5:00 p.m. Tues. 2/13/18
Okay, okay…I should be doing my taxes, they are next on my list today but I took a walk (photo evidence) and was inspired, as always in my church in the woods. I took trails that provided the most sunshine, thus the most sky-views and it was beautiful.
So I’m walking along talking to the Divine and sharing that I’ve become a little off-course and need to refocus but as I walked along I started thinking about purpose, a bigger, grander purpose than I can envision for myself. My biggest dreams are making enough money to put away for retirement, pay off my house and do some traveling. I honestly don’t have faith in my abilities or talents to get me any more or any further along in life than those. There is nothing wrong with those goals either but a part of me wants more but I don’t know what. I don’t love my work or my home but I am grateful for both.
As I paused and sat in the sun with the warmth on my face and a breeze off the river blowing over my cheeks, I thought about life and how I’m on the downward curve now. There’s less time left for me now and I don’t want it squandered on just working and enjoying what I can if…IF there is a possibility of having more. I don’t have grand dreams but I could have a more fulfilling life if I only knew how to get from here to there.
So I sent it out into the Universe, words floating on my breath, the spirit within me, from my lips to the wind and the cosmic energy: Use me, use me in anyway that will bring me a sense of usefulness and accomplishment, use me in a way that I cannot even imagine, in a way that I don’t even know I have it in me to do. Make my life count for something other than my own wants. I don’t need to be a “somebody”, just use me because I don’t know what to do with my time here on earth and there’s not much left. Soon I won’t see the sunshine, I won’t feel the breeze brush my face or the warmth of the sun’s energy or see the tops of the trees sway in the wind against a beautiful blue sky and I want more before there’s no time left.
I want to live with intention, I want to laugh really loud and I want to have more to really look forward to besides my weekly 2.5 hours of sewing circle ladies, 2 hours a day of church in the woods, snuggles with the wee-pea ball of smoosh (that’s my grand-daughter) and getting online and typing my thoughts. That’s a startlingly meager amount of enjoyment in a week compared to all the rest of the hours in a week. Come on! There’s go to be more to life than this! I love what I have and I am very grateful but, I guess I’m a little selfish…I want more. Not more stuff. I want more joy. I want more of what’s in the world to experience and enjoy and, damn it, I want to share the joy with someone!
I recalled hearing the words of a dying young man, he expelled on his last breath; “oooh, it was all so easy.” We make life more complicated than it really needs to be; it is just about love, joy, sharing and creativity. I think that is our purpose and we manage to dodge it until our last few hours on earth when we realize it could have been so much more if we hadn’t wasted time on the things that don’t matter.
Second attempt: I’ve conjured the sun…It’s weakly peaking through the cloud-filled sky. I have to get out for a walk to clear my head and set up my priorities. I realized yesterday my limited free time is getting away from me while I babysit and play on WP: I love both but they are sucking my time up. I have a few things I have to get done before I go back to work and they won’t take long but they are things I’d rather not do so I keep procrastinating and then it becomes the weight on my shoulders and in my mind, clogging my creativity.
Have a great day everyone…see you on the flip side 🙂
~ 12:28 Mon. 2/12/18
It is about a marriage and love and friendship. This is normally a book I would have passed on…and maybe should have but I got ‘caught up’ in the Oprah hype ~ which I am normally immune to but I was between books at the time and looking for something “good” ~ and bought it. The “thing” is, O recommended it be read and shared while reading. Since I can’t scratch up any friends who read books, I was wondering if any of my WP friends are reading it, plan on reading it or maybe would like to read it ~~ and share with me a conversation via comments here or emails?
Like I said, I have it but have not started it yet. Who knows, I might not like it but I will give it a great effort IF someone else wants to get involved in a WP Book discussion.
Just throwing it out there.