#SoSC: abash – my voice

I have been absent from not only SoCS but my entire WP community for quite awhile now. I’ve lately submitted a couple of entries in the last few months…half-heartedly. I have this half I ‘want to connect’ and write with this ‘nothing to say’ half of me. I am admittedly one who doesn’t speak from an ownership perspective…almost everything I say is “we” or “our”…I don’t always speak from the heart. Somewhere along the developmental stage I learned the my voice was something for which I was to  be abashed; unworthy and of no value. I am nothing.

I am learning at this transitional stage of my (middle-age) life that I am equally important and of significance as everyone else on this planet; no more, no less.

I am not alone. We all bash ourselves for our aspirations that are different from what those close to us expect of us, from our culture, from our own self-learned entrenched ‘beliefs’…and we, therefore, don’t live to our soul-inspired potential. I am grappling with the “responsible” expectations of our my life in this un-united states and the ‘wtf am I here for’ questions.

My friend today asked; “do you think you might be over-thinking this?”

Why, yes, I might very well be “over-thinking” this…the purpose of my life, what my soul desires beyond paying the bills, what I might regret on my ‘death-bed’, and what-the-fuck do I want to do with the remaining years?! Why is it so fucking hard!!!!!!!

I want to escape into the woods with my backpack….

I want to have intimate, vertical (deep) conversations with people who are at the same cross-roads I am now lingering at…can we talk here?! Can we be real?

I want to fly…..

Maybe I want to die….

Has the cure been worth it?

I don’t know…I can only deal with one moment at a time…and I cry at the sweet simplicity of it all…why can’t I be satisfied with just this moment?

 

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SOCS “ABASH”

Move on

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Release the need to replay a negative situation over and over again in your mind. Don’t become a hostage to your past by always reviewing and reliving your mistakes. Don’t remind yourself of what should have, could have or would of been. Release it and let it go.

~ Spiritual Awakenings

let go of control

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them too.

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Spiritual Awakenings (FB) 

I hope this is true, that I will flow with “things”.

I am working diligently each day on letting go of anxiety, trusting in that ‘things’ will work out for the best and not allowing self-pity or depression to take over my day.

It’s a struggle, especially when I cannot see (understand) how things will “all work out”, to do my best but let everything else just be –

to let go and not be in control.