The downpour we received for most of the day yesterday brought the temperature down nicely but the forecast is for mid 80’s today and that’s not in my wheelhouse of comfort. I had agreed to go on a local hike – not the white mountains but it’s enough of a workout to make me sweat. I had considered wearing pants when I woke earlier as the air has a wet and chilly feel to it but in another couple of hours it’ll probably just be muggy. I have time to decide.
I am so pleased with what’s happening in my life right now – and I can’t remember the last time I thought that. My life, like many I imagine, has been harried, rote, glum and unsatisfying and I had guessed/judged that nothing would change. But I took a leap in faith and quit my job last April to take an adventure (that didn’t really pan out the way I had intended) and now I’ve had the time to invest in ME. I’ve been trying to create a social network – which, prior to this time in my life, I didn’t have the energy, patience or even genuine interest. I have been checking out MeetUp groups in my area to find people with similar interests and I also reunited with a small circle of friends. I now look forward to each day because I either have someone to do something with or I alternate my plans around doing things solo or working around my house. With each attempt to meet new people, my circle widens with opportunities and then I am infused with more energy. I will eventually have to return to ‘work’ but I hope that my new found realization that life does not have to be a drudgery that has to be tolerated until I fall over dead will help me find enjoyable work – or at least, more tolerable work with some exciting days off spent doing things that are fun, interesting and with people who I enjoy and who inspire me.
Black & White, Up & Down, Good & Bad, High & Low, Positive & Negative — etc. etc.
This “high/low” is appropriate for me on this Saturday. I’m trying to be grateful for my time away from work – any work, and the opportunity it affords me to do things and spend time with people that I don’t always have when working. The problem is – if what I am feeling can be even legitimately termed a “problem” – is that I vasilate between feeling low energy if not depressed and feeling much more high with more feelings of hope and optimism. More to the point; the problem is I tend toward the feeling of ‘low’ most of the time and only feel ‘high’ when I’m with (positive) people – no grumbling about ‘the world today’ or chronic personal issues – or when I am listening to audios such as TED Talks or interesting interviews/features (usually public radio). The ‘high’ feeling is temporary and usually pretty brief. I try to maintain it – go out for a walk or focus on energizing things to do – but it fizzles like a fire-cracker.
Writing may or may not be an answer to ‘getting it out’ and reframing/refocusing and I do try other things; I’m always looking for something of interest (to me) to do, try to find a friend available for a little social time or – and this is the usual routine – lose myself in a book. I try not to focus on my reality – which is that I am (yawn) lonely and I don’t feel I (boo-hoo) have a purpose – which then leads down the rabbit hole of – why exist?
This is my Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness – I thought I’d take a stab at it, try it out and now I’m moving on to do – DO – something (no friends available). I’m going to listen to an audio book while doing some sewing on a drizzly day. I’ll probably end up reading a book or watching a Netflix program later. But no matter what, I will try to think deep and happy thoughts.