a regretful nostalgia

Coincidentally I was thinking of my long, deceased step-father this morning…not sure what prompted that…and then thought of my sister, who is five years younger and was closer to him than I…when I came a cross the LetItBleed prompt. I don’t have emotional ties to anyone in my family with the exception of my sister but even that is not a ‘strong’ emotional feeling. Considering the age difference, my sister and I may as well have grown up in different families: she was close to my step-father, at one time my mother, my grandparents and long ago my cousins. I was the black sheep from birth so I never developed any love for any of them but…that doesn’t mean I don’t feel some nostalgia when I think about my childhood. It isn’t so much the ‘family ties’ as it’s just reflecting upon a ‘different time’ – not an easier, carefree, or fun time by any stretch of imagination. I guess I would say the nostalgia comes from a feeling of wishful thinking such as missed opportunities, missed (real) childhood, missed normalcy. It makes me think of those questions such as: if you could spend a day with someone, dead or alive, who would it be? I tend to think of my grandfather, who I didn’t really know, or my step-father, ditto. I wish things had been different but that won’t change anything so I avoid spending time reflecting on the past…it’s a sentimental feeling I’d rather not endure.

#LIB: nostalgia