Linda G. Hill’s annual Just Jot It January is a great start to any new year for those who have fallen off the WP universe and want to rejoin the blogger race. They say it takes 30 days of commitment to a new endeavor to make it a habit and I used this January’s Just Jot It to get back into a routine of posting. Some days I didn’t write much but I used the prompt each day (I may have missed one) to write something just to reinforce the daily exercise. I am a big fan of prompts: sometimes they spur a thought or a rant and sometimes it’s just going through the motions of posting anything – even a photo or a haiku or quote. For those interested in expanding their readership, using the ‘ping-back’ feature, thereby posting your link to Linda’s post, is sure to draw new few. Congratulations to all those who participated; I enjoyed reading many new posts for other’s use of the prompt.
I can no longer legitimately complain about work, not from this work paradise that I am currently in (all things relative), so on days like today, when it’s chaos and I can’t keep up with my patient schedule – usually due to Emergencies that monopolize my time – I try to remember that the worst day here is better than the best day anywhere else that I have been employed. That doesn’t stop me from getting a little frazzled (mostly in my head but it leaks out in my tone, sometimes, I’m sure) and then I start to feel like there’s a conspiracy among nursing staff regarding my/our work ethic.
It’s not completely in my head; nursing staff dominates in numbers all other staff/departments in hospitals and, a little like BIG government conspiracies, the larger the number, the more they can get away with being manipulative and disingenuous. I personally have not had much in the way of problems with nursing staff because I am a team player, I communicate and I – almost all the time – don’t take things personally or allow things to bother me (too much). However, I do take offense when I am met with a condescending, lazy or superior attitude when it comes to my job performance: I am not a slacker and I am quick to respond to assertions that I “didn’t do anything” when, and this is an obvious conclusion, I am the only therapist ‘on’ and I am present throughout the entire facility for any ’emergent’ situation (which includes fainting – at least initially) so if I am not present or ‘miss’ seeing a patient or ‘don’t respond’ (as in I don’t respond in mere seconds after I was paged) it’s because I AM BUSY AND I CANNOT RESPOND AT THIS TIME…it’s not because I am avoiding work or otherwise ignoring calls. DUH!
Anyway…it’s been a hectic day and, although a lot of what I shared here does not necessarily pertain to today’s issues…I am still suffering from (a form of) PTSD from
working slaving at other facilities and I needed to vent some of this pent-up frustration.
One more day and the first month of the ‘new’ year will be finished and we’ll be on to the next month…ever closer to the summer months – which is half-way through the year and then near the end again. That’s why I don’t like to wish my time away, plan to far ahead, ‘look forward to…’ because the time already seems to go by way too quickly for me. Because I find the whole time perception phenomenon strange, I Googled it and came across this article about ‘mind time’ and ‘clock time‘..if you’re interested.
For anyone who missed it: the title is my allegorical reference but…I want to mention that the book the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck was the first ‘real’ piece of literature that I can remember reading and when the teacher was dissecting the allegory, I was lost. I should read that again.
Another gray day in NH…outside my door anyway; temp. 36* I got up and out at 6a.m. to meet a friend for a half-hour hike – she didn’t realize it would be pitch black, mostly due to the cloud cover, and turned back to get her headlamp. We only needed lighting for a short while before the ground vs. snow cover made a more easily seen black & white contrast and then it lightened up enough to go completely without. My plan to meet her so early was to get a head-start on my day but I had been awake since 2a.m. so I made coffee and went to back to bed with an audio book – slept for another hour or so. I’m pretty easy on myself – maybe too much – on my “days off” when I don’t have any pressing things to do.
Because I’m not very ambitions past 4p.m., I have been using the dark evenings to watch movies or programs on Netflix (on my laptop) since I don’t have television. I am not a fan of television for many, many reasons, one of which is the subtle addiction that takes over your life if you are not aware and let it, and I don’t usually watch a lot of “TV” via Netflix either -except lately. I have been limiting myself – a movie or a couple half-hour shows – but I need to cut back more and do something else with my time; I feel it’s starting to get out of control and waste my time.
I saw theJusJoJan.27 prompt “dazzle” and thought, nope.
Here is one dictionary definition of “dazzle”:
verb (used with object), daz·zled, daz·zling.
verb (used without object),daz·zled, daz·zling.
So I moved on to read a couple of posts, checked my email & read one of those. Then I paused and was reaching for my coffee mug when I noticed the rising, swirling steam within a shaft of sunlight. I was hypnotized momentarily and realized that I was awed at this simple spectacle. It seems silly but the warming, glowing, precious sunlight turned my ordinary, every-morning beverage into a moment….and then the light moved.
I have my mojo back…I’m feeling better, a little more motivated. I am not sure what stirred this besides my prompting it, coaxing it, meditating on it – the it being “feeling good” again, wanting to get back into life instead of watching my ass spread across the couch cushions while I binged on Netflix.
I will testify to the fact that – for me – making myself do things that need to be done, should be done or things that I know will take a small load off my brain when I get it done, all of that does help. Moving…making myself DO things knowing that this will help me progress forward instead of slipping deeper and deeper into a gray gloom that, I know from experience, makes me feel worse.
Getting busy, staying busy, keep moving from one small project (doing the dishes, laundry, walking the dogs, shoveling snow, going to the grocery store, vacuuming, etc.) to the next makes me feel better. Sedentary lives are boring and make us feel physically ‘ill’ (overweight, less flexible, constipated, unsatisfied so we eat when we don’t need to ) and emotionally depressed. I know this but it doesn’t stop it from occasionally happening so instead of waiting for some inspiration, for the gloom to pass, it is an exercise of the soul to push myself to move, to do something that I’d rather not do.
WordPress has a broad and varied consumer base, bloggers and readers, so a sampling from the audience should provide me with some answers to work with..if any readers would be interested in participating….Any bodies out there want to contribute???
I am interesting in hearing from people about their perspectives on fate vs. control, specifically:
Do you believe that you have absolute control over your life and what happens to you based on positive energy, attitude, faith – OR – do you think that you have only some control but mostly it’s fate or circumstance beyond your power that governs most of your existence??
I personally vacillate on that question; not surprisingly on bad days I think I have no control over my life, that I am just like a tumbleweed being tossed around and it’s only my attitude and perseverance that keeps me from giving up. On good days I think I’m blessed (not as much as some nor as much as I’d like to be) and that I need to recognize that more. The answer probably lies between the two.
I know people who constantly listen to audio or read empowerment books/talks, etc. and they confront each day like a linebacker – charge ahead and destroy whatever’s in their path. I’ll admit that they do seem to obtain their desire and it’s through perseverance and hard work and they seem happy but…from my observations the lifestyle of treating everything like it’s a win or lose proposition seems….I don’t know, exhausting? I am not a ‘go-getter’ – I seek peace, contentment, balance, zen – if you will. I don’t know, am I missing the point of life?…should I be using each day like a juicer – squeezing the bejesus out of it ((((and it’s exactly days like this – which is most – that I so regret NOT having a single person in my ‘formative years’, or now, who was a guide or role model or even a decent human being!!!! ugh)))) …maybe that’s what the saying ‘zest for life’ is all about and I just don’t have ‘zest.’
This is what I know, I have to change something…something within me…not my job or my house…but some part of me needs to be revised, remolded, reframed. I hate having this same monologue with myself so frequently that I can’t see straight. I write so much each day – not here, usually on paper – about how I am feeling, what I want, I jot down pieces of information I gather from reading, searching, thinking…alwaysthinking. I think I’ll create a profile of life, my life, and stare at it for awhile…try to gain some truths from it/my life. Am I kidding or lying to myself about what I want or what I don’t like in my life? Am I avoiding seeing me for who/what I really am? Why are so many of us so damn lost? Why are so many of us questioning our existence, why we’re here or what the fuck we are supposed to do besides work and exist – which isn’t at all satisfying or worth the shit we have to tolerate to be here?
Short version of a longer story: My day started off cautiously because I was expected at my daughter’s house to work on a sewing project that’s been waiting patiently for us to finish and while I was sipping my coffee and reading blogs my insurance company (car) called to tell me that they found me at fault for a ‘fender-bender.’ My driver’s door is dented and the other driver’s front passenger fender (the panel between the door and the front bumper) is dented: she came up from behind me and, as if passing me on a narrow exit off a merge circle, collided with my car – again…she’s BEHIND me.
Anyway. I can’t say that I’m surprised – between myself and ANYONE else, if someone’s going to get fucked, I know it’s me. I was once at fault for being parked in a lined parking space – not moving – and a truck BACKED INTO my driver’s side. It seemed clear to me (in both situations) that I was not at fault for someone running into my car. Howthefuckcanthatberight? So, per my personal history with being screwed, I had sort of resigned myself to it all before the call and then blew off the rep and continued with my morning.
While at my daughter’s house my SIL inquired about the dent (he didn’t know) and I gave him the condensed version and he and my daughter were unanimous that I should ‘fight it’ (whatever that means). So now it’s been eating at me. Here’s how I see it:
- I can use up time, effort and money to contest it (somehow) and be found ‘guilty’
- I can just go with it and count my blessings that it wasn’t worse and be grateful for the good things in my life – per my usual.
- I can use up time, effort and money to contest it and have some ‘judge’ decide that the insurance investigator was, low and behold, wrong and I was right (not likely).
BTW: the police report hadn’t been received by the insurance peeps so they are assuming, as am I, that the report will be in the other driver’s favor. She said they’d make adjustments if and when they get the report and it’s different.
I am interested in any feedback about this, any one’s personal experience or expertise, or just opinion. It doesn’t really matter which side comments fall on as I’m on the fence at this point anyway.
I am trying to renew my good feelings that I had around the new year and I am also trying to get into some kind of routine/schedule with blogging, exercise, sleep, etc. so I refused to bring my laptop to work. Obviously that hasn’t stopped me from being here, has it?
In my defense I was just checking in to see the #JusJoJan word of the day and Fandango’s one-word challenge prompt – and I came across his provocative question (below). Now that I’m provoked, I have no choice but to respond.
I think if I’m offered almost anything for one day it would be hard to pass up. I mean, 1 day…24 hours. So, all else being the same – I am me but for one day I am male and retain all my memory and history, etc. – that means I get to walk around for 24 hours with a male experience but not the history of being male. It reminds me of the criticism of what’s-her-face-Jenner…becoming a woman but not having paid the proper dues that all women have to pay throughout their lives…enjoying the experience without the pain (my words to sum it up).
I’d take a day and go somewhere else with a friend – not work or shopping locally. I might consider doing things or saying things that I might not do/say normally just to see how it would feel…like walking down the sidewalk and expect all oncoming pedestrians to part the way for me to pass without so much as a second thought or an “excuse me” (like I usually do – gosh, I irritate myself when I do that), interrupting women talking as if what they have to say isn’t important, taking a piss standing up…outside somewhere, talking loudly and mostly about myself, driving a little more recklessly, walking with my nose and chin slightly raised heavenward, scratching my balls, sitting with my legs spread, tossing cash down onto a counter instead of handing it to a cashier, and wear whatever I want unconcerned with aesthetics…no wait, I do that anyway. I’d also try other stuff like holding open a door more often, speaking up when I see or hear something that I, a woman, consider inappropriate, unfair, or wrong, smiling and taking notice of small children, pregnant women, and babies and maybe interacting with them, assisting elderly or handicapped people, using etiquette like eye-contact, please and thank you, and a whole lot more. And I’d definitely try to arrange a plumber, contractor, electrician etc. to come and do some work on my house for less than I’d otherwise pay; maybe even buy a truck.
In short, I’d like the possible experience of the world with real or perceived gender biases and stereotypes; my above paragraph/list is just a few off-the-cuff and the responses will vary from person to person, I know. I certainly don’t want to be punched in the face but it would be interesting to also experience the male ego and challenges that men face.
#FPQ: “If you could be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do?”