I have been absent from not only SoCS but my entire WP community for quite awhile now. I’ve lately submitted a couple of entries in the last few months…half-heartedly. I have this half I ‘want to connect’ and write with this ‘nothing to say’ half of me. I am admittedly one who doesn’t speak from an ownership perspective…almost everything I say is “we” or “our”…I don’t always speak from the heart. Somewhere along the developmental stage I learned the my voice was something for which I was to be abashed; unworthy and of no value. I am nothing.
I am learning at this transitional stage of my (middle-age) life that I am equally important and of significance as everyone else on this planet; no more, no less.
I am not alone. We all bash ourselves for our aspirations that are different from what those close to us expect of us, from our culture, from our own self-learned entrenched ‘beliefs’…and we, therefore, don’t live to our soul-inspired potential. I am grappling with the “responsible” expectations of
our my life in this un-united states and the ‘wtf am I here for’ questions.
My friend today asked; “do you think you might be over-thinking this?”
Why, yes, I might very well be “over-thinking” this…the purpose of my life, what my soul desires beyond paying the bills, what I might regret on my ‘death-bed’, and what-the-fuck do I want to do with the remaining years?! Why is it so fucking hard!!!!!!!
I want to escape into the woods with my backpack….
I want to have intimate, vertical (deep) conversations with people who are at the same cross-roads I am now lingering at…can we talk here?! Can we be real?
I want to fly…..
Maybe I want to die….
Has the cure been worth it?
I don’t know…I can only deal with one moment at a time…and I cry at the sweet simplicity of it all…why can’t I be satisfied with just this moment?