I have no idea how this prompt is supposed to work other than using a heading or link to Linda’s blogsite but I thought the question resonated with me today.
What Day Is It Anyway?
It’s Tuesday, the day after Monday-Memorial Day but it doesn’t feel like Tuesday or Monday or Friday. Despite the fact that I’m at work, it feels like a weekend day. It’s just a weird day. It’s beautiful outside: sunny, blue sky and green, green everywhere but it’s too hot for me in the sun so my infrequent and short trips outside (where I can pull my mask off and get some fresh air) feel wonderful. And…simultaneously melancholy.
I had a great weekend with my friends in Vermont; I love Vermont, the real rural areas full of rolling green pastures and green hills that meet the blue skyline. I did not see any cows. Coming back ‘home’ and to work is a little depressing and makes me question – yet, again – what am I supposed to do with my life? If I only have a few years, if even that, is this okay? Working and puttering around my home/yard? Is this all I want?
I like my job (as I’ve stated numerous times) – I am very grateful for it as it’s the best job I’ve ever had but I have a subtle fear that this won’t last….and then what? I have also come to terms with my house (I appreciate it but it isn’t what I really want…or where I really want to be) and I think since the big CA I’ve decided to be happy with what I have or, IOWs, I’ve settled. I’m not so sure that is a good thing but anything other than being happy with where I am seems like more work and probable disappointment. It’s complicated and, I suppose, if I just hang in here and give myself a little time the (VT induced) melancholy will dissipate and I’ll be back to “I’m lucky to be where I am and have what I have”….
The air has cooled off while the sun sits on the western hills (of Vermont) that are visible from the hospital parking lot. I wish I was daring…I wish I wasn’t afraid of taking a chance – because EVERYTHING has ALWAYS come so hard to me, so much extra effort and work and disappointment just to break even…if that’s what this is. While looking at the sky and green hills (of forest) today I felt a strong longing for the trails and tenting (of the AT) and I wondered IF I will ever be able to do that again. Such freedom, such luxury. Oh, growing older and less agile, more pain and discomforts…54 years old seems like such a L – O – N – G time ago. And being single makes me less sure of myself…or, less adventurous…no one to share the joy or misery with…no one to bounce the question; are we sure we should do this?
I’ve moved my car to a more accessible location (from my office space) so I can ‘sneak out’ more easily and have a place to sit while enjoying the night air tonight. It’s been a long day and this night is going to drag along, I can already tell.