This is going to sound like self-pity but it isn’t…it’s just wondering “out loud/on the computer” about this niggling factor in my life I can’t quite make out: loneliness. I am a self-proclaimed ‘loner,’ I like my alone time, my independence, my I-don’t-have-to-negotiate-or-compromise-anything aspect of my life because I tend to agree with myself or sometimes we have a discussion about something we disagree on but we’re pretty good about getting over-it and not harboring any grudges against me-selves.
But every now and again – usually on a dreary day/evening – I get a little ‘woe-is-me’ and wonder why I can’t manage to make/keep friends who are inclined to like being around me (at least that’s how I think of it). Everyone seems to be “busy” – especially when I would like to ‘do something’ or ‘hang out’.
My self-reflection tells me that my independence makes people think that I don’t need anyone and I, therefore, naturally fall into the occasional friend for a lunch date or, more rarely, dinner/movie/something else. Or maybe I’m just not that fun to be around. Or maybe some other quality that makes me boring. I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel the inclination to ask someone but that just reeks of desperation – even to me.
Knowing that these moments of emotional-suckyness eventually pass, I just try to busy myself and think happy thoughts (no, you are a wonderful person, they just don’t see it because they absorbed in their own drama but one day you’ll find your community <smile>) and try imagine a future different life *it’s usually that dream quality that isn’t very clear and a little mixed-up like overlaying two pictures onto each other…not very convincing* – I say to me-self: one of these days you’ll have a ‘regular’ job with ‘normal’ people and you’ll make new friends and have a social life and take up new hobbies and go to new places with your new and better friends. It’ll happen.
Meanwhile the yard needs some attention and it’s a beautiful day and I’m gonna friggin’ enjoy it…all by me-self…with a beer…or two.