#SoSC: abash – my voice

I have been absent from not only SoCS but my entire WP community for quite awhile now. I’ve lately submitted a couple of entries in the last few months…half-heartedly. I have this half I ‘want to connect’ and write with this ‘nothing to say’ half of me. I am admittedly one who doesn’t speak from an ownership perspective…almost everything I say is “we” or “our”…I don’t always speak from the heart. Somewhere along the developmental stage I learned the my voice was something for which I was to  be abashed; unworthy and of no value. I am nothing.

I am learning at this transitional stage of my (middle-age) life that I am equally important and of significance as everyone else on this planet; no more, no less.

I am not alone. We all bash ourselves for our aspirations that are different from what those close to us expect of us, from our culture, from our own self-learned entrenched ‘beliefs’…and we, therefore, don’t live to our soul-inspired potential. I am grappling with the “responsible” expectations of our my life in this un-united states and the ‘wtf am I here for’ questions.

My friend today asked; “do you think you might be over-thinking this?”

Why, yes, I might very well be “over-thinking” this…the purpose of my life, what my soul desires beyond paying the bills, what I might regret on my ‘death-bed’, and what-the-fuck do I want to do with the remaining years?! Why is it so fucking hard!!!!!!!

I want to escape into the woods with my backpack….

I want to have intimate, vertical (deep) conversations with people who are at the same cross-roads I am now lingering at…can we talk here?! Can we be real?

I want to fly…..

Maybe I want to die….

Has the cure been worth it?

I don’t know…I can only deal with one moment at a time…and I cry at the sweet simplicity of it all…why can’t I be satisfied with just this moment?

 

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SOCS “ABASH”

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14 Comments

  1. Welcome back. You have something to say and I hear you. Moving words. I like this part right here the best “I am equally important and of significance as everyone else on this planet; no more, no less.” Yes you are my dear! Most definitely.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think I might have given my opinion of this when we met, but since I talk so much who can remember everything…. my thought though is that you are questioning because you are actually living, you arent just going through the motions like so many do. You know all too well that time is finite and you are wondering if you are making the most of it. The hardest part for us to realize is that no one but you can answer that question. As far as your no more no less…. I think you are more 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think it is only natural to be wondering these things after the ordeal you’ve been through, but I also think most of us think those things as we get older. Be that as it may, it is good to have you back, and I’m looking forward to seeing how these important question evolve for you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I definitely think some of us think these thoughts in the ‘autumn’ of our life but I also agree that the diagnosis pushed these thoughts along or made them more prominent/imperative…I am definitely at a transition in my life but, right now, I can do ‘nothing’ about it as I believe I need this time to heal/rehab and thus the time to ‘think’ (or obsess as I call it)
      Thanks for checking in!!

      Liked by 1 person

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