my gift from the universe (edited)

I’ve spent a lot of my life being concerned about my “old age” and retirement: what if there is no medicare or social security, what if I am disabled, what if I haven’t saved enough money? Being single and having jobs that don’t provide any real long-term security but being physically labor intensive and emotionally depleting, I’ve more than once thought/said that dying of cancer before I get too old and homeless would be a blessing. Karmically speaking, I think the universe answered my “prayers” by replying, “Hey Karyn, don’t worry, I got this.”

Ironically, now that I find myself on this particular path, I am a little chagrined that I very well may have brought this upon myself. Well, so be it. I guess I’ll have to do some positive thinking and praying double time. It’s not that I mind possibly dying sooner rather than later but I have things I want to get done first and that will take some time.

All I want is a little more time.

How often those words have been said by people who have come to a bridge that they didn’t anticipate so soon. The silver lining is that EVERY DAY IS TO BE CHERISHED; every moment means so much more than they ever did before. Sunrises and sunsets are more bitter-sweet, mother nature is so much more marvelous, meaningful relationships are so much more poignant, and it’s so much easier not giving two thoughts to the things that don’t really matter in life’s scheme.

Contemplating energy and how it moves, what we draw to ourselves, does make me feel more optimistic and that I possibly have more control over my body and my future than I have ever realized. No matter what happens, I can control how I react and what I do with the events that unfold in my life. This “gift” makes me live in the moment while working on my faith and hope for the future.

7/30 – Edit: I was listening to Adyashanti and he reiterated exactly what I have thought about and wrote about above: We are not taught to examine difficult moments in life as, not only opportunities to learn but also to accept responsibility for the part we played in the situation. Difficult times can have a profound, meaningful and transformative effect on us if we are unconditionally open to it. All our decisions in life, all our thoughts and actions have effects on ourselves and others; series of events unfold based on each choice we make. If we are open to see how the minutia of events in our lives have been, not ALL but in part our own doing – and this is HARD, to own our actions, thoughts and words – we can take responsibility for where we are but, more importantly, we can NOW see how we have control in our lives….our lives are not happening TO us. It’s liberating to realize that we do play a huge role in what happens in our life; the keys to our happiness are not in the pockets of other people. We have the keys.



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