It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; …who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly. ~Theodore Roosevelt, “Man in the Arena” speech, 1910
After walking the pooches *not hike and no app used*, I returned home and before I got my coat off my daughter asked about getting hamburgers; “I’ll pay” are the words that will almost certainly evoke a positive response from me so I suggested 5Guys and went on my merry way with a mouth watering already.
While waiting for my burgers I helped myself to some peanuts and stood at one of the tall-tables shucking and stuffing my face, barely noticing anyone else until I heard three guys at the next table talking about getting their certifications for EMT (or something to that effect – I wasn’t really listening). I briefly looked up and noticed one had fresh (Seran) wrap taped over a new tattoo (the medical image for EMT) and they continued to talk OVER each other – who has the best whatever certification, pissing contest about who’s better. And my dander got up … just a tiny bit. Enough for me to realize one thing…
I don’t think I want to do hospital work anymore. That one-upping the next person, comparing who’s best, who’s got more experience or the better certification; that’s all part of the hospital (ER) scene. I distinctly remember hearing the voice in my head say, “I’ve been saving lives longer than you’ve been alive” and it was with disgust too. And all the way home I was thinking, do I want that job if I’m interviewed? Do I want to get back into that atmosphere that I hated so much when I was in it? Is it the money? Is it the “prestige” (because if that encounter didn’t do anything else, it raised the ugly head of authority/power/experience=superior attitude that comes when you are someone that has that type of ‘job’, you have authority from experience, the kind of experience that other people have no idea about so you receive a certain amount of awe, yes, and respect, true) that I didn’t really even realize or think about…until now? Is it just that I don’t want my education, experience, license to “go to waste”?
So I am thinking… if/when I have an interview ~ because I still have to make a living, so I will pursue what I know ~ I will be very transparent about who I am, what I have experienced and where I want to go in the future (I will NOT say, “I’m not sure I want to do this anymore“) and if ‘the power that is’ decides I’m not a good fit or whatever they call it these days when they decide not to hire you, then so be it. I will allow the Universe to decide what is best for me at this time. Perhaps I have not been hired (yet) because it is not what is best for me. To be candid, I am filling out applications for a job for an income with some regard as to what I’d like to do but it’s a means to an end. I don’t have a first choice because I do not know. I only know I need money. How I get it is, right now, beside the point.
The quote above doesn’t really have anything to do with my anecdote. I wanted to write about what I realized tonight because its part of finding me, who I want to be, where I want to go, being authentic and true to myself after digging around under the surface stuff ~ the lifetime accumulation of layers of expectations, decisions, disappointments, and all the other shit. The quote came from a book I’d read after I got off the trail, a self-therapy; Rising Strong, Brene Brown, PhD. LMSW, who I also just happened to watch on an Oprah SuperSoulSunday segment from a couple of months ago. I really like that kind of stuff; the stuff that makes you question everything you think you know about who you are and where/how you fit in (or don’t) and why. It’s really challenging concepts sometimes (I also watched RuPaul’s interview with Oprah. I didn’t even know who he was and now I want to read about him! Very interesting discussion) and if you are trying to navigate your way in this life, trying to be a better person in a time of chaos and meanness, these two interviews and Brene’s book
might should help.
Walk – done; vitamins – done; Bible reading – done; blogging – done; work on finding work – done; positive self-talk – done; prayer – done; gratitude – done; drank more water – done; read blogs & comment – done; consume positive stuff – done!!
Time for bed.