It’s been single-digit or below zero degrees now for a couple of weeks before this “heat wave” moved it yesterday. What should be a sturdy frozen cap of ice on the pond is dangerously deceptive. If one wasn’t aware of the topography and those “keep off” signs were not in place, there would be no distinguishing the parking lot, paved walkways, snowplowed (summer grass area) and pond from one another.
It’s a bleak, rainy, warm day. I didn’t want to leave the house but I made myself go out, trying to gauge timing between pouring rain and drizzle, with the dogs — only to the park for a short walk. So, that is done.
The weather matches my feelings today. I felt good all day yesterday and evening. Before bed I listened to some music on CDs that I hadn’t in decades…old stuff. I felt good, happy. Then during the night I kept waking from dreams I could not remember they were so vaporous but they, each time, evoked such powerful feelings of dread and desolation. I would wake with my heart pounding and the immediate thoughts were of becoming destitute, I’d briefly try to figure out how I’m going to live in my car if I can’t afford to keep making the car payments before I’d fall back into the restless and foreboding sleep.
I woke still not being able to remember any of the dreams but it doesn’t matter what they are, it is the feeling of fear that I am left with today. I have to wonder if putting forth a positive attitude, trying to be hopeful, searching for the bright side and remaining strong is not some sort of self-deceit. I don’t believe the poor and homeless ‘deserve’ what they are experiencing (due to drug addiction, mental illness, alcoholism or laziness). I know sometimes it’s about circumstances beyond their control. And, for this reason, I fear for myself, I’m not secure in my ‘reasoning’ that if I am optimistic and visualize and work toward my goal that it will be realized. And I’m not sure if having this doubt will also negatively impact me.
One day at a time and I’m still working on it.
Later Edit: I went to an independently owned deli and the local McDonald’s and took applications. I feel better – the least I can do is grab some minimum wage while I’m looking for work in my own profession (I still can’t fathom how some people think $9.00/hour is “livable income”)