Don’t sweat the small dust

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There are some days, some times I don’t know why I focus so much on my unhappiness, loneliness and lack of friends or close relationships. Some days I’m even lethargic – not immobilized – with the sadness or hurt or hopelessness of what seems to be the trajectory of my life. I don’t understand why I am so different from other people, what makes me such an outcast, why I can’t find or maintain friendships or why my kids seem to be so annoyed with me, having me around. I was watching a show about a young adult with autism and I could relate to the character’s feeling of being confused; knowing I’m different but not knowing specifically how/why. Fortunately for those with autism, they have family, teachers and therapists who care about them and try to assist their assimilation into society/culture. With us weirdos, there is no organized group effort to help society understand their prejudice against the ugly or socially inept and there’s no help for us to try to either understand or try to change what it is about us that makes us so undersirable. I try to, as soon as possible, once I realize I’m feeling my weirdness too acutely for comfort, to change my “attitude” or “behavior” – specifically, I get out of the house, notice the sunshine or blue sky, other people going about their busy days/lives and realize I’m a speck of dust in the universal scheme – just as is everyone else – and someday I’ll be dead, just as they will, and I had better use my day and time to do something I enjoy or like or just something to occupy my brain, busy my thinking with something more benign and less self-defeating. Sometimes just reframing where I am and what I have and then using Herculean strength of spirit to harness my emotions and mobilize them to inhabit a more positive space and then drag the rest of me there so that, without much more thought, eventually this day I’ll feel better about me, who I am (or maybe who I am not). Maybe, if I do this everyday that I wonder why?, the time will come when I no longer even consider loneliness – it’ll just be another thing, like wearing clothes or driving a car – it just is and it’s not worth being consumed about the why.

Daily Prompt: inhabit

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One thought on “Don’t sweat the small dust

  1. Hi Karyn! Beautiful name. I am a weirdo and have been my entire life. I have never fit in and when I tried, it was a disaster along with being untrue to myself. Being uniquely you is true. I do understand what you’ve shared here—very much so. Yes, do things you enjoy and this will guide you and fulfill you. I am finally doing so for myself and better for it. Keep on keeping on. Wonderful post!

    Like

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