Yesterday was a tough day for me and i haven’t had one of those in over two weeks – since I got off the AT. I had charge of my 5 year old grandson who I love spending one designated day a week with – but yesterday I was in a funk and playing Legos or reading just became hard and frustrating. Fortunately he does amuse himself while he believes he’s the center of my attention – he was not, my mind was far away on the trail.
I don’t know what it was – probably a combination of things, that put me in the mood to, again, run away. I know logically that my knees can’t handle supporting a backpack and hiking up and down mountains but I was desperately trying to figure a way back anyway. It doesn’t help that a new friend, a relationship established on the trail, has been feeling lonely, isolated and a little miserable with her own physical issues – I wanted to be out there with her. We texted each other and commiserated and hoped for the best for each other while, not so secretly, being selfish because we both want to hike and we both want an agreeable companion.
I’m in a place similar to when I left; I am home and lonely but not working and, for the time being, without a vehicle. I had hoped that after a ‘rest’ period at home, I’d go out and tackle the Whites because they are local – see how my knees take it, stay in shape (after all that work on the trail) and use my ‘free’ time to still hike but ‘slackpack’ it. That hasn’t been possible yet and that’s some of my problem right now – not having a car is restricting. I don’t know if it would lessen the nostalgia for the trail – I imagine it would, I’d hope it would.
This morning I feel a little better, more realistic. I know I need to DO something with my time that makes me feel productive, constructive and not an AT drop-off. I’m not ready for work – I think I’d break. Having to give up on my 2017 goal is bad enough – having to go back to a job I just hate before I am stronger would be devistating.