Control

jjj-2018
I’ve been contemplating control: wanting control, having control, who’s in control. Today I am feeling pretty confident that our contemporary idea of control is only an illusion perpetuated by the alignment of our intentions with what happens to us; its when our blueprint matches our reality.
*We have a job that affords us the opportunities to buy and have what we want. We feel pretty good about ourselves. We anticipate that next raise, bonus or commission and plan our expenses accordingly. Life is good, great in fact, and it’s all due to our hard work and smart planning. We’re in control. Then suddenly the job no longer exists for us, for a myriad of reasons, and after we get over the initial shock we regroup and hustle up a new plan and execute it. Time goes by, things aren’t improving, we are no longer in control and we can’t understand why; we did what was expected, we did everything right.
*We decide to take a vacation with the allotted time off from work, we manipulate schedules and appointments, invest in the plane ticket or pack up the car/camper and place a deposit for the accommodations. We’re feeling pretty good, free at last for some deserved rest and relaxation and all goes according to plan until it doesn’t, until the plane is grounded due to weather, the car breaks down or someone is ill or in hospital. Our plans now spiral out of control.
*We’ve been working on our fitness plan now for over six months. We’re losing fat, getting toned, looking good and feeling great. We adjust our sights six more months into the future and we see ourselves really buffed, strong and the healthiest we’ve been in years. We can just hear the envy of those who haven’t put the effort into improving themselves. Well, you focus, work hard and eventually you get what you deserve. Then that one slip on the ice and you have a torn rotator cuff and a broken leg. It’s going to be a long road to recovery and that shoulder is never going to be as functional as it was but worse, the insurance isn’t gong to cover all the expenses even after the deduction. That’s a debt that wasn’t in the plan.
There are all variety of scenarios, everyone has their own multiplied by hundreds. No matter how insulated we think we are against losing control there is always, somewhere, sometime, a loophole through which life shoots an arrow and hits its mark. You. An unexpected change in circumstances followed by an ill-timed inconvenience followed by a poor decision followed by a disappointment followed by disillusionment and on and on.
Maybe we quickly recover and move on feeling that we’ve dodged a bullet. Perhaps it takes a little longer and we swear we’ll never allow that to happen again through being more aware or better planning. Maybe life never quite gets back to where it was or where we want it or where we planned it to be.
If we are sufficiently fortunate, we discover that we’re never really in control: we’ve only taken what we’ve inherited in life and used it for our own purposes, whether its moderate or selfish or selfless. True control is realizing that we don’t really have it; we only have control over how we choose to perceive everything around us and how we choose to react to what happens in our lives. If we live each day knowing that nothing is really what it seems, that any given moment can instantaneously change our path, our plan ~ in a word, our reality, then when it happens, and it will happen, the unexpected is   is not so surprising and adaptation more easily achieved.

#jusjojan: contemplation Your prompt for January 16th, 2018, brought to you by the multi-talented Cheryl, is “Contemplation.” Use it any way you’d like in your post. And make sure you visit Cheryl at her blog, “The Bag Lady” to read her post and say hi! Here’s her link:  https://rugby843.blog/

ˈlo͞opˌ(h)ōl/
noun:
1. an ambiguity or inadequacy in the law or a set of rules.
2. historical
     an arrow slit in a wall.
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jusjojan: justice

images-3    #jusjojan: justice

One definition: the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness.

  • Don’t judge others, you don’t know their story
  • Treat others as you’d have them treat you
  • Be just in words and deeds so no one has a valid claim against you
  • Seek rightness in all you do so you have no regrets

Being morally right with others is a kindness to yourself.

* I could have gone in a different direction here but I don’t have the fight in me today.

Your prompt for January 15th, 2018, brought to you by the lovely Barb, is “Justice.” Use it any way you’d like in your post. And make sure you visit Barb at her blog, “Gallimaufry,” to read her post and say hi! Here’s her link:  https://barbct.wordpress.com/

ultimately it means letting go

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I’m going to venture into waters that I NEVER go into — relationships, particularly intimate ‘partner’ relationships. I’ve written about work, lack of work, hiking, my family, positive thinking, getting older, books, NPR, and who knows what all else. All the stuff that makes up my routine day. I’ve never written about intimacy because, well, it’s not part of my routine day…or week….or year … honest? Decades. Ninety-five percent of my time is involved in all the above mentioned and other inconsequential stuff. The other occasional five percent comprises thoughts of what life would be like if I had a partner — not a husband, that’s too much commitment for a daydream.

Bloggers making references to their ‘partner’ ~ I like that word because it doesn’t denote a gender or license and, as far as I’m concerned intimate relationships should be about “partnering” in one form or another anyway ~ is almost unavoidable if you are sharing anything about your life, if your life includes a partner. Bloggers share all the bad and the good about current or past relationships and sometimes all the details. I’m especially drawn to the people who describe, even just as passing detail, a healthy relationship with their partner. I get a little squeamish when the post contains some negative but very normal language and emotion – I just remind myself that I’m reading one side of the story and that living with or being intimate with someone is part of life and sometimes ~ a lot of times ~ it gets messy, dirty and ugly.

Aside from a very few fleeting encounters with another person, I haven’t had a partner since my divorce about 20 years ago. I don’t admit that to people (well, people don’t ask, thank God) because it’s embarrassing; it is indicative of a flaw within myself.

Ugh,…the depths of the “why?”

My pre-adulthood exposure to relationships via my only parent, my mother, was — well, abusive and toxic. I had an isolated and sheltered life — except for the uglier side, the wrong-side-of-the-tracks side of life. I had no inclination or concept of having a relationship; I never had a boyfriend until I met my husband and that, dear readers is another-whole-story for another post when I feel strong and daring.

Anyway…I got married and I knew even before I did it that it was a mistake. He was and is a ‘nice guy’ but there was no compatibility, no common ground. The reasons the relationship happened at all are what couches in offices with bubbling water fountains and soft colored walls are made for. So, three children, medications, therapy sessions and an incessant suicide ideology lifetime later I finally worked up the courage to leave.

Through the combination of being destitute (no job, no money & no home), a single mom and a singular history of never having witnessed a ‘good’ relationship, I was resolved to not go down that road again. It was an easy decision to adhere to because creating a life for myself and my children took all my time and energy.

I did it.

Years later when the kids were almost all grown and I didn’t have to work two jobs I dabbled with online dating. It didn’t go well…at all. I gave up. I decided that I was better off alone. I rationalized that I made my own money, had my own home and did whatever I damn well pleased without consulting, compromising or sharing anything. And as fine & well as that is, I was also secretly believing that I am flawed. Worse, I have no redeeming value or qualities at all. I saw myself as ugly, stupid, uninteresting, fat, socially inept, undereducated, a “downer” and, generally speaking, not worth it. I’ve had a lot of help believing this too so, there was that.

And that was why I busied myself with things that I enjoyed and it reaffirmed my belief that I am “better off” by myself every time someone I knew was having relationship issues or worse, issues about not having a relationship. I rejoiced in my ‘good fortune’ to not have someone in my life. I knew that if I ever ‘met someone’ they would most likely make my life worse for being in it: emotional abuse or exploitation. I feared my emotional destitution would drive me to gullibility and it would be a fast-track to hell from there.

I didn’t have to concern myself with beating anyone off because no one approached me anyway. This further cemented my beliefs about myself but I am not so removed from reality that I didn’t realize that I was at least partially responsible for my singleness. There is (probably) some truth to the fact that we draw or repel people/things based on how we feel, what we are ‘putting out there’ and I’m sure that people felt the equivalent  of the Great Wall of China surrounding the insecure and self-loathing person I had become.

I started working on myself because I have been unhappy with where my life has come and not only because I am lonely but because without changing myself, my attitude and my belief system, my life will not change. I’d like a partner, an intimate friend, a ‘someone’ special in my life but…it’s definitely harder when you are older and regardless of whether or not I’m blessed with ever having that, I want to be happy with myself for making myself a better person and making my life more enjoyable.

There is nothing wrong with being alone — as in not having someone to touch or kiss or embrace in bed — but I believe life is a little sweeter if you do. I’m not emotionally strong enough to ‘pursue’ finding someone; I still hold the hope that, if it’s meant to be, someone will find me as long as I open myself up for it, if I work on optimism, hope, self-love, gratitude and happiness.

In closing: the path of my life has come to an ultimatum: keep doing what I’ve been doing and be miserable or take the unknown path and see what happens.  I am feeling better since I’ve concentrated on pushing negative thinking out of my conscious mind, being grateful for even small things, reading good writing, writing out my demons, being intentional about giving myself some latitude with how the universe wants to use me and being hopeful about my future — even if it’s scary. Trying to control my destiny has only led to disappointments and disillusionment. Since I don’t know what I am doing wrong, I’ve given myself up to just doing my best and following whatever leads appear in my path. It’s terrifying but I don’t have young children anymore to worry about so I’m just going to go with the flow.

#jusjojan: ultimatum

 

 

 

writing with intention

Write-in-pursuit-of-exploration-not-in-pursuit-of-perfection.-Write-what-you-care-about-and-above-all-enjoy-the-ride

I’ve read some blog posts that have made me a little squeamish…and curious. “How did they do that? Aren’t they a little afraid? Once it’s out there….”

Well written and honest posts have me rethinking how I blog or communicate. I don’t have any reservations about what I have written or how I’ve written, I.e. what ever is on my mind and usually written and posted – no draft or editing (except spelling). However, in my more recent endeavors to dig deep and improve myself I’ve entertained the idea that I can make some improvements in my own writing – which is an extension of my thinking, feeling and intentions.  Am I honest enough? Am I just skimming the surface? Am I using my blog to just prattle on about any superficial thing, an expanded FaceBook post? *nothing wrong with that*

Transparency. Honesty. The hard stuff from the guts. I think I’ve touched it with a toe, gave it a little nudge. I’ve avoided anything too personal – tossing it out into the public (gladiator) arena to be oogled, laughed at, kicked and slaughtered. That’s what we see all around us – be damned if you dare open your mouth.

“Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think about what could go right

Maybe I’m just trying to hedge my bet here but what I’ve noticed is ~ and maybe it’s just the WordPress community ~ people are very supportive and encouraging, even empathetic. I’ve also noticed that many times tough-stuff is served with a side of humor or a palate cleanser of optimism. I can’t write humor and I’m working on optimism. Now, maybe I need to work on exploring, digging deep because I know I appreciate reading posts from people who have dared.

Daily Prompt: entertain

#thepowerofpresence: day 7

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I didn’t write yesterday, I was too busy reading a fantastic blog I found. Today my mind was just static, I was in neutral all day. I walked a level trail that was a mess and it was too cold even with my gortex and all winter paraphernalia. I had a really good meditation ‘session’, I got two more library books, and I delivered an employment application (more on that later), I read more blogs – otherwise I have no idea where the day went.

Daily Prompt: static

 

 

 

medatative

..it’s been a weird day. I finished reading an entire blog (I.e. all the posts) that I’d started last night. I am also so tired of sitting around the house – not figuratively tired of sitting but literally; my ass is tired. I went for a walk and noticed my brain had nothing to say. I came home and eventually I sat for 20 minutes meditating. Not my usual meditation, the one I do when I’m restless and trying to quiet my mind. This meditation was pick-a-sunny-spot-and-make-like-a-plant; I sat with my eyes closed and just listened; I listened to my breathing, I listened to the dog’s stomach make bubbly noises, I listened to the cat sleep-breathing, I listened to cars go by, I listened to the occasional distant conversations elsewhere in the house, I listened to the wind blow. I sat there and just ‘felt’ my surroundings; I felt the air – not too hot nor too cool, I felt my feet on the floor, my shoulders relax and, cell by cell, my ass fill up the chair seat, I felt my dog lying on my lap, I felt the sunlight move around on my face due to the naked tree branches moving in the wind, I felt my body sit like a dead-weight in this one spot – no movement. I felt my brain be so quiet, my energy vibrations  so low.

objective: to elevate consciousness, to grow in awareness, to find purpose

#SoCS/#jusjojan: …to grow in…

When you’re ready to sit down and write your post, look to the publication (book, newspaper, permission slip from your kid’s teacher, whatever you find) closest to you, and base your post on the sixth, seventh, and eighth word from the beginning of the page

the best blog I’ve ever read

I will never do this blog justice by writing about it with the intention to entice anyone to read it so I’ll just stay this:

I check out the blogs of those that comment on mine. If I read enough posts and like them, I “follow”.

I came across this blog the same way. I read a couple of recent posts and was compelled to go right to the beginning – the first post six months ago. I read this blog like a book I couldn’t put down. I read for hours last night until I was falling asleep and then, early this morning before I even got out of bed, I grabbed my laptop from the floor where I left it a few hours ago and read until there was no more posts to read. I didn’t “like” or comment because I couldn’t stop long enough to upload the like and comment page. I didn’t even compose my daily #thepowerofpresence post ~~ this blog puts my the-power-of-presence in the back seat. I’ve got nothin’.

When I’m reading a good writer, I sometimes get PVCs (premature ventricular contractions), my breathing becomes harder and I get restless – I usually have to get up and move. This blog did that but I couldn’t stop reading until I was exhausted. Maybe its just the flavor I like but check it out for yourself. I don’t think you will be disappointed.

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Superman can’t find a phone booth

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Theres nothing static/unchanging about this blog except maybe the quality of the writing and that’s a good thing. ~Daily Prompt